50 Bad Jokes
50 Bad Jokes:
1. I gave all my dead batteries away today.
Free of charge.
2. What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
3. Can February March?
No, but April May.
4. Yesterday, a clown opened held a door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester.
5. How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2? 1 ... or 2?
6. I heard there was a new store called Moderation.
They have everything in there.
7. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night.
It was just a Fanta sea.
8. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
9. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood.
Because, now I'm feeling a little eel.
10. When you have a bladder infection.
Urine trouble.
11. What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
12. Someone said my clothes were gay.
I said, “Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning.”
13. A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him that's the last thing I need.
14. What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
15. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because, if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
16. When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo …
I had to put my foot down.
17. Whenever I want to start eating healthy …
The chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
18. A three-legged dog walks into the bar, and says to the bartender,
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
19. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An Orca-stra.
20. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
21. How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
22. My sea sickness comes in waves.
23. I asked a French man if he played video games.
He said "wii"
24. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy; the other is a little lighter.
25. Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food's great, but there's no atmosphere.
26. I have kleptomania ...
But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
27. Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
Because, he had low elf esteem.
28. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, “Give me some Chapstick …
And put it on my bill.”
29. Comedians who tell too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
30. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer …
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
31. I'm on a Whiskey diet.
I've lost 4 days already.
32. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK. He woke up.
33. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
34. I have the heart of a lion …
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.
35. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other,
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
36. I was in an 80s band called The Prevention.
We were better than The Cure.
37. I said to the Doctor, "Can you give me something for my liver?"
He handed me a pound of onions.
38. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because, he was a little horse.
39. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are 49 cents, and deer nuts are just under a buck.
40. A man said to me that he hadn’t been to the toilet for 2 years.
Reckon he’s full of shit.
41. I ate a clock yesterday.
It was so time consuming.
42. Steak puns ...
They're a rare-medium, well done.
43. Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
44. I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
45. I've just written a song about a tortilla …
Well, it's more of a rap really.
46. What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
47. I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company.
It was soda pressing.
48. Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl using a bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
49. “Doctor, you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter.”
Doctor: “I don't follow you.”
50. My friend was the hardest working car salesman in town.
He came home every night exhaust-ed.
